The past...

They say the past is etched in stone, but it isn't. It's smoke trapped in a closed room, swirling, changing, buffeted by the passing of years and wishful thinking. But even though our perception of it changes, one thing remains constant: the past can never be completely erased. It lingers, like the scent of burning wood.

People tell you who they are but we ignore it...

… because we want them to be who we want them to be.

I myself am made entirely out of flaws...

...stitched together with good intentions.

Use of Weapons - Iain Banks

"Sometimes he felt as though every instant he spent with her was a precious capsule of sensation to be lovingly wrapped and carefully place somewhere inviolable, away from harm. But he only fully realised later; it wasn't something he was fully aware of at the time. At the time, it seemed to him that the only thing he was fully aware of, was her."

"At any time he could simply look at her and wrap his adoration for her around himself like a coat on a cold day, and see her life and body, moods and expressions and speech and movements as a whole enthral long field of study that he could emerge himself in, like a scholar finding his life's work"

"When he tried to tabulate his love, list all the things about her that drew him to her, he found himself starting at the larger facts- her beauty, her attitude to life, her creativity- but as he thought over the day that had just passed, or just watched her, he found individual gestures, single words, certain steps, a single movement of her eyes or a hand starting to claim equal attention. He would give up then, and console himself with something she'd said; that you could not love what you fully understood. Love, she maintained, was a process; not a state. Held still, it withered. He wasn't too sure about all that; he seemed to have found a calm serenity in himself he hadn't even known was there, thanks to her."

I'm always interested in the way people edit the details of their lives...

....the way they compress all the years into sentences.

It's a new year, and not too far away from being a year since my old life ended.

2017 was a year of lows, but also some important highs.

I'm in a new relationship with someone who seems to really love me (for who I really am) and appreciates being with me. I also love him very much. He is a good, kind person, and we have an amazing connection. We have had a very passionate 9 months together so far, where I've experienced amazing feelings and experiences I have never experienced before (and didn't even believe were possible or really existed!) It's a strange thought that I would have missed out on so much in my life had my current relationship (marriage) continued.

Still, there's a long way to go in rebuilding my life. Though I certainly feel I'm building it on stronger foundations than before, I'm still a long way from knowing what I'm doing with this whole life thing, and life is still very hard sometimes. I'm still living with my parents (though hopefully that will change soon), still adapting to a new job where I've had to start from scratch after building up a teaching career of seven years. My social life isn't what it used to be, and I often get lonely. The distance between myself and my new partner doesn't help with that (although hopefully that'll change soon too!) The divorce has also been very hard and still takes it's toll as it still isn't over. I get quite down. It seems to have been Winter forever and the evenings are dark. I wonder how and when life will get better.

But I've also discovered ways to improve my mood and continue to do so. Exercise turns out to be a wonder cure for a low mood that I can't believe I didn't discover until recently. It lifts my mood almost magically! Exercise is certainly my number one recommendation for feeling down.

There's other things I'm trying to fit into my routine, ideally every day, though it's not always possible. Altogether they really do help. They are:

Eating 3 meals a day
Omega 3 and magnesium supplements
Getting outdoors
Having social contact
Exercise

There are others I want to incorporate:

Meditation
Yoga
Healthy Eating
Gratitude
Journaling

though at the moment I cannot say I do them regularly or that they are part if my routine. I know that if I try hard to make them part of my routine they will no doubt really help me.

I'm also working on improving my self esteem as low self esteem has haunted me all my life, and has certainly contributed to a lot of my problems. It's slow and gradual improvement, but I am optimistic. The voice in my head is slowly changing and becoming kinder (to myself). I am learning that my opinions are just as valid as anyone else's. That I am equal to every body else. That who I am is ok, and enough, and I can be myself (I don't have to change who I am to "fit in".) I tell myself nice things about myself, I focus on my good points, and criticise myself less. I think my confidence is gradually increasing, but undoing 29 years of low self esteem will inevitably take time. It's exciting that I am finally discovering the tools and techniques to start improving my self esteem though, and I look forward to continuing the journey towards being confident in myself.

I will update again soon on how things are going. My next steps will hopefully be incorporating some meditation and yoga into my routine, as well as having more friends + social life and hobbies. I also want to focus on having a greater sense of 'purpose' in my life. Big goals! But I am determined to have a happy a life as I possibly can, especially after going through so much. I want to rebuild my life to be better than it ever was before!!

I've always wanted to grow spiritually. I wonder if what's happened to me is God's response. I've always read that everything is life is impermanent, and you can't find love and security outside of yourself. Yet still I guess I didn't believe it just because I'd read it. I thought I could find love and security, I thought I'd found a reliable, loving man who would be there, care and stand by me no matter what.

Then I woke up one morning and all of that was gone. My every day life as I'd known it was gone. My life was literally turned upside down. My cousin had died, my marriage over, and I was out of Loughborough, out of my home, away from my job and all the people I saw on a day to day basis, and back with my parents. 

It all turned out to be true. Everything is impermanent, and you can't rely on anything but yourself. My whole way of seeing life has been transformed forever, in a way that can never go back. My worst possible nightmare has taken place. I thought I would die. But I haven't, I'm still here. My heart has broken, my life as I knew it has fallen apart, but I'm still here. 

All I can do is take life day to day. Focus on small achievements and small every day pleasures that remind me that life still contains some happiness and is still worth living.

If I can find the strength to shower, brush my hair, put on a bit of make up, and get through the day, that's an achievement. If I eat and drink and look after myself, that's an achievement. I have small goals.

There are things in my life to be grateful for. Family, friends, pets. I have to focus on what I do have. Take one day at a time.

I'm getting over the emotional equivalent of a serious car crash. It's going to take me time and I have to give myself time to heal. It's 5 weeks so far, who knows how long it will take? Probably months, hopefully not years.

But I trust that there are lessons to be learned from this, and that there is a future out there for me. I will take my happiness on a much more day to day basis. I won't compare to others, I won't try to succeed or impress. I won't make big elaborate plans about my future. I'll just try to be happy day to day.