It takes two people to make a marriage work, I could not do it alone. I don't want to go into the details of the marriage, except to say I was not able to be myself, to be Rachael. I had to constantly mold myself into being the woman he wanted- which evidently was not me.

Now I have to learn to start again. Learn from my mistakes, and let this make me not break me. I need to find Rachael again.

I am not ashamed, because I trusted, and I tried my best, and I am now doing my best to be strong in the face of circumstances I never could have predicted.

"There is no perfection, only life." - Milan Kudera

Stanzas to Augusta

Though the day of my destiny's over,
  And the star of my fate hath declined,
Thy soft heart refused to discover
  The faults which so many could find;
Though thy soul with my grief was acquainted,
  It shrunk not to share it with me,
And the love which my spirit hath painted
  It never hath found but in thee.

From the wreck of the past, which hath perish'd,
Thus much I at least may recall,
It hath taught me that what I most cherish'd
Deserved to be dearest of all:
In the desert a fountain is springing,
In the wide waste there still is a tree,
And a bird in the solitude singing,
Which speaks to my spirit of thee.

Lord Byron

Dedicated to my cousin, James (1989 - 2016)

Alain de Botton

“It was no longer her absence that wounded me, but my growing indifference to it. Forgetting, however calming, was also a reminder of infidelity to what I had at one time held so dear.”
― Alain de Botton, On Love

The Tree of Possibilities - we see life this way for a brief time only

"Your heels on the sidewalk make me think of the roads I never traveled, that stretch away like the boughs of a tree. You have reawakened the obsession of my early youth: I would imagine life before me like a tree. I used to call it the tree of possibilities. We see life like that way for only a brief time. Thereafter, it comes to look like a track laid out once and for all, a tunnel one can never get out of. Still, the old spectre of the tree stays with us in the form of an ineradicable nostalgia. You have made me remember that tree, and in return, I want to pass you it’s image, have you hear its enthralling murmur.” - Milan Kundera, Identity

If that high world

If that high world, which lies beyond
Our own, surviving Love endears;
If there the cherish'd heart be fond,
The eye the same, except in tears ---
How welcome those untrodden spheres !
How sweet this very hour to die !
To soar from earth and find all fears
Lost in thy light --- Eternity !
 
It must be so:  'tis not for self
That we so tremble on the brink;
And striving to o'erleap the gulf,
Yet cling to Being's severing link.
Oh !   in that future let us think
To hold each heart the heart that shares;
With them the immortal waters drink,
And soul in soul grow deathless their!

Lord Byron

I ask but to forget

"Oh Memory, torture me no more,
The present's all o'ercast;
My hopes of future bliss are o'er,
In mercy veil the past.
Why bring those images to view
I henceforth must resign ?
Ah ! why those happy hours renew,
That never can be mine?
Past pleasure doubles present pain,
To sorrow adds regret,
Regret and hope are both in vain,
I ask but to — forget."

Lord Byron

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

One of the most moving films I have ever seen. A reminder that life is short and impermanent. Here's a quote from it:

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."