The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

One of the most moving films I have ever seen. A reminder that life is short and impermanent. Here's a quote from it:

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Kierkegaard 2

“When the world commences its drastic ordeal, when the storms of life crush youth’s exuberant expectancy, when existence, which seemed so affectionate and gentle, changes into a pitiless proprietor who demands everything back, everything that it gave in such a way that it can take it back-then the believer most likely looks at himself and his life with sadness and pain, but he still says, “There is an expectancy that the whole world cannot take from me; it is the expectancy of faith, and this is victory. I am not deceived, since I did not believe that the world would keep the promise it seemed to be making to me, my expectancy was not in the world but in God.”

Kierkegaard

One sticks one’s finger into the soil to tell by the smell in what land one is: I stick my finger in existence — it smells of nothing. Where am I? Who am I? How came I here? What is this thing called the world? What does this world mean? Who is it that has lured me into the world? Why was I not consulted, why not made acquainted with its manners and customs instead of throwing me into the ranks, as if I had been bought by a kidnapper, a dealer in souls? How did I obtain an interest in this big enterprise they call reality? Why should I have an interest in it? Is it not a voluntary concern? And if I am to be compelled to take part in it, where is the director? I should like to make a remark to him. Is there no director? Whither shall I turn with my complaint?

Brothers on a hotel bed

You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
'Cos I'm not who I used to be.

No longer easy on the eyes
These wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below.

Who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for,
Both a beginning, and an end.

Now he lives inside
Someone he does not recognise
When he catches his reflection by accident.

On the back of a motorbike
With your arms out-stretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind.
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.

And I have learned, that even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men.

The Beauty of Romantic love

What makes romantic love beautiful? It is certainly not the emotion itself. No, romantic love is only considered beautiful if it arises in fortuitous circumstances. If the emotion of romantic love arises between two young people, both single, who then go on to get married, raise a family, and spend the rest of their lives together, then love is considered by all as a beautiful thing. But if two people fall in love in a situation which society deems "wrong" then the very same emotion is seen as anything but beautiful. Consider if the love of Romeo and Juliet would still be held up as one of the most beautiful ever told if Juliet was married with a child, or if Romeo had been ten years older than the fourteen year old Juliet? What then, do we find beautiful about love? Not the emotion of romantic love itself, but that vital and fortuitous combination of  romantic love, and favourable coincidence. The very same emotion  of love, then, can become either the pinacle of human beauty and happiness, or the depth of human despair and shame, depending entirely upon the circumstances under which it arises.

Take this Longing

Many men have loved the bells
you fastened to the rein,
and everyone who wanted you
they found what they will always want again.
Your beauty lost to you yourself
just as it was lost to them.

Oh take this longing from my tongue,
whatever useless things these hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love.

Your body like a searchlight
my poverty revealed,
I would like to try your charity
until you cry, "Now you must try my greed."
And everything depends upon
how near you sleep to me

Just take this longing from my tongue
all the lonely things my hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one your love.

Hungry as an archway
through which the troops have passed,
I stand in ruins behind you,
with your winter clothes, your broken sandal straps.
I love to see you naked over there
especially from the back.

Oh take this longing from my tongue,
all the useless things my hands have done,
untie for me your hired blue gown,
like you would do for one that you love.

You're faithful to the better man,
I'm afraid that he left.
So let me judge your love affair
in this very room where I have sentenced
mine to death.
I'll even wear these old laurel leaves
that he's shaken from his head.

Just take this longing from my tongue,
all the useless things my hands have done,
let me see your beauty broken down,
like you would do for one you love.
Like you would do for one you love.

The water still flows, the wind still blows, the fire still burns. And yet, everything has changed.

To wish impossible things...

It was the sweetness of your skin
it was the hope of all we might have been
that filled me with the hope to wish
impossible things

We can all be divided into four categories...

"We all need someone to look at us. we can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. the first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. the second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. they are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners. they are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. this happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. people in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need. then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. one day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. and finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. they are the dreamers."
— Milan Kundera

I have definitely always been in the fourth category!

Which are you?

What's the meaning? What's important?

Being off work tends to bring out the philosopher in me. I have too much time to think, and my procrastination comes in the form of philosophical thoughts about life, instead of doing my work!!

So I've been thinking about what life's all about- the most important topic of all. What's really caused it this time is thinking about relationships again. I was head over heals, madly, deeply in love at the age of 17. So in love it pretty much made me ill. The person was all I could think about, and the fact that I couldn't have him was a constant ache in my soul. God had cheated me out of a soul mate. This was desire at its most pervasive, and most destructive. I felt the real impact of how desire leads to unhappiness in a very clear way.

It still stays with me today, now I'm at an age where I would really like to find somebody, fall in love, settle down, and eventually get married and have children. This experience I had of love at 17 is something that is probably never going to repeat. I'm never going to feel that strongly for someone again. But whenever I meet someone nice, perhaps I could go out with them, I realise, I don't love them. The way I feel isn't even a shadow of what I once felt for somebody. And then I think... how can I be happy with somebody again? I want to love somebody like that, and have them love me back. I want the real deal. I want beauty. But its probably not even possible. Only unrequited love can arouse those sorts of feelings. Had I been able to have the person I loved, things would have probably been very different, and it probably wouldn't have been long till even they seemed rather ordinary. I will never know.

So anyway, in thinking about the purpose of life, I wrote the following words of wisdom for myself, so I can live in a happy reality, rather than unsatisfied delusion. There comes a time when you need to see life for what it really is, and enjoy it and make the most of it for what it really is. Life is still beautiful, just in a different way to what I expected when I was young.

Life doesn’t owe you anything.

Every day children die because they don’t have enough food to eat, or clean water to drink.

People go without love.

Keep life in perspective. Its purpose was never just to make you happy.

Don’t expect life or people to be perfect, or to centre around your happiness.

Don’t want what you don’t have, but appreciate what you do have.

Be grateful for whatever blessings you do have. Count you blessings and be thankful for them everyday.

Go with the flow of life, enjoy the little things, and find happiness in simplicity.

Smile, laugh, have fun, lighten up, and love others.

Desire for what you do not or cannot have is the root of unhappiness. Contentment with life and what do have is the way to happiness.

Do not desire and search for beauty, but find and appreciate the beauty which is already in your life, in that which is available and attainable.

Try not to be self centred and interested only in your own happiness. Care about the happiness of others, and love them as you love yourself.

And remember, doing what is right is more important than your short term happiness; your moral actions are the point of your life and your legacy.

Nadine Stair, aged 87

If I had my life over,
I'd try to make more mistakes next time.
I would relax.
I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been on this trip.
I know of very few things I'd take seriously.
I would be crazier.
I would be less hygienic.
I would take more chances.
I would take more trips.
I would climb more moutains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets...
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would have more actual troubles, and fewer imaginary ones...
If I had my life over, I would start barefooted
earlier in the spring and stay that way until late fall.
I would play more.
I wouldn't make such good grades except by accident.
I would ride on more merry-go-rounds.
I'd pick more daisies.

Nadine Stair, aged 87

The Summer Holiday

I'm a trainee teacher. I work all the time, and pretty much have no time off. However, this summer I will have six weeks to play with as my reward!! I do not want to waste this time. I want to make plans and make the most of these six weeks. I'm going to use this blog to plan my summer! My plans so far are:

-Spend a week in Spain
-Read Anna Karenina
-Take up a bit of photography, buy a DSLR camera

I need to fill up my summer! More plans and ideas will posted here as they come!

I've been to the Mountaintop speech.

We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live - a long life; longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the Promised Land. So I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.

Martin Luther King jr.

The unimaginable

What is unique about the "I" hides itself exactly in what is unimaginable about a person. All we are able to imagine is what makes everyone like everyone else, what people have in common. The individual "I" is what differs from the common stock, that is, what cannot be guessed at or calculated, what must be unveiled, uncovered, conquered.

Debate Exposes Doubt

All of the parts are the same on every face
(Few variables change)
The differences pale when compared
To the similarity they share

Finally there is clarity and there is purpose after all
But every night ends the same as I'm
Collapsing once more by your side

-Death Cab For Cutie

Emmy the Great

I am a big fan of Emmy the Great, and one of the things I enjoy best about her music other than her wonderful voice is her lyrics. Not only are they clever and interesting, but honest, and it's this honesty that I love. She's not afraid to tell it like it is. Here's a few examples:

"I knew you best,
back when love was just a feeling that ran out between my legs, on to the back of my dress,
on to the clothes that I was wearing" - Two Steps Forward

"Later on me and a bottle will hook up to have some fun
Then I'll call your house at twelve to let you know that I'm drunk
Say I'm sorry Mr C, I was just looking for your son
How are you, incidentally, do you know if he's out alone?
There is this book he lent to me something like seven months ago
I'm gonna burn it in the street be so kind as let him know
that I'm dealing with this badly
and could he please get back to me?"   -Canopies and Drapes

"I thought romance was pretty,
But then you went and spoiled it,
Everytime that I think of you,
Have to go to the toilet.
Can't tell if this is love
Or a stomach disorder." - The Hypnotist's Son

"I sat with Dan and drank some beer
We hadn't spoken since last year
I took his hand, led him upstairs
Silently drew his body near.
I couldn't see, missed you so much
Missed you so much, I had to fuck,
Between your sheets, all charred with grief
The pillows tainted with your dreams"  - Edward is Deadward

See what I mean? Brilliant.

If I could just do one near perfect thing I'd be happy

I took a book and went into the forest
I climbed the hill
I wanted to look down on you
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness
so I went home.

Belle and Sebastian, If She Wants Me

Going to Scotland...

The cold came on with a new found intensity
and you pressed your warm body against me
and i loved you so much it was making me sick

and we watched the sun go down on scotland
we were glad that we'd left oklahoma behind
i took your hips in my hands and i threw you down
to the new found rich brown deep wet ground

had a vision of you burning on my mind

The Mountain Goats

The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway...

Is that it's you. And that you're standing in the doorway.

(Going to Georgia - The Mountain Goats)

Thank God for creating our incompetent memories

If it weren’t for fading memories over time, the intensity of our strongest feelings would never fade. For as long as one can truly remember the intensity of any feeling, one must truly feel it, experience it anew in its raw reality.

Memories of feelings are just shadows and impressions.

Thank God for the inefficiency of human memory.

I started a blog

"The irresistible proliferation of graphomania shows me that everyone without exception bears a potential writer within him, so that the entire human species has good reason to go down into the streets and shout: we are all writers! For everyone is pained by the thought of disappearing, unheard and unseen, into an indifferent universe, and because of that everyone wants, while there is still time, to turn himself into a universe of words. One morning (and it will be soon), when everyone wakes up as a writer, the age of universal deafness and incomprehension will have arrived." - Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting