I've always wanted to grow spiritually. I wonder if what's happened to me is God's response. I've always read that everything is life is impermanent, and you can't find love and security outside of yourself. Yet still I guess I didn't believe it just because I'd read it. I thought I could find love and security, I thought I'd found a reliable, loving man who would be there, care and stand by me no matter what.

Then I woke up one morning and all of that was gone. My every day life as I'd known it was gone. My life was literally turned upside down. My cousin had died, my marriage over, and I was out of Loughborough, out of my home, away from my job and all the people I saw on a day to day basis, and back with my parents. 

It all turned out to be true. Everything is impermanent, and you can't rely on anything but yourself. My whole way of seeing life has been transformed forever, in a way that can never go back. My worst possible nightmare has taken place. I thought I would die. But I haven't, I'm still here. My heart has broken, my life as I knew it has fallen apart, but I'm still here. 

All I can do is take life day to day. Focus on small achievements and small every day pleasures that remind me that life still contains some happiness and is still worth living.

If I can find the strength to shower, brush my hair, put on a bit of make up, and get through the day, that's an achievement. If I eat and drink and look after myself, that's an achievement. I have small goals.

There are things in my life to be grateful for. Family, friends, pets. I have to focus on what I do have. Take one day at a time.

I'm getting over the emotional equivalent of a serious car crash. It's going to take me time and I have to give myself time to heal. It's 5 weeks so far, who knows how long it will take? Probably months, hopefully not years.

But I trust that there are lessons to be learned from this, and that there is a future out there for me. I will take my happiness on a much more day to day basis. I won't compare to others, I won't try to succeed or impress. I won't make big elaborate plans about my future. I'll just try to be happy day to day.